


Burden

by ithilien22



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 12:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithilien22/pseuds/ithilien22
Summary: Magnus takes care of Alec during and after a panic attack.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For [@archeralec](http://archeralec.tumblr.com/) who asked, "could I prompt a lil Drabble for Magnus comforting Alec through and/or after a panic attack?"
> 
> I definitely meant for this to be a drabble, but then it got away from me a bit. ❤

Magnus is with a client when he gets the text, so he doesn’t look at it right away. It’s bad form, he’s always thought, to interrupt a conversation with someone to deal with a phone call or text message. It implies the person calling is inherently more important somehow, or worse, that he’s just been waiting for someone more interesting to talk to than the person he’s with. He finds it terribly rude.

So he doesn’t actually pull out his phone to read the message until he’s leaving the building a good ten minutes later. His stomach drops when he reads the message though, and he instantly wishes he’d broken his stupid rule for once.

Alec ❤ [6:36 p.m.] _need u_

There’s no follow up message and Magnus knows Alec well enough by now to know that (as much as he might wish) this isn’t a poor attempt at flirting. If Alec needs him, something must be wrong. 

But then why hasn’t he sent another message in the last ten minutes? Or tried to call? Magnus’s mind races as he opens a portal to the loft. 

“Alec?” he calls out as he steps through, trying to remember if Alec was supposed to be anywhere today. It was his day off, Magnus is almost sure. But the loft appears empty.

He’s about to open another portal – to the institute this time – when he hears a thump from somewhere in the loft. He races toward the sound and finally finds Alec in the bathroom, sitting in the tub fully clothed, knees at his chest and cell phone dropped on the floor beside him.

Some of the panic drains from Magnus’s body at seeing Alec there, alive and whole, but his heart clenches at the sight he makes. His eyes are shut and Magnus can hear his shallow, gasping breaths.

“Alexander, darling, I’m here,” he says softly, trying not to startle as he makes his way to the tub to crouch down beside his boyfriend. 

Alec opens his eyes and Magnus can immediately see that they’re wet, though he guesses that the tears are more from frustration than anything else. Alec draws in another aborted breath and Magnus reaches out to grasp his hand.

“Follow my breathing okay?” Magnus instructs, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Alec’s. “Deep breath all the way in. One, two, three, four, five. And then out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”

He keeps talking to Alec and counting softly until Alec’s breathing starts to follow his, slowly evening out from the rapid shallow breaths he was barely managing before.

“Are you alright, love?” Magnus asks after a few more moments of listening to Alec’s breathing settle. Alec pulls back from him slightly and Magnus can see the blush creeping up his neck towards his ears. His eyes are still wet.

“Sorry,” he murmurs lowly. “I knew you were with a client and I tried to- uh. I just. I- I couldn’t calm down and then I- it uh, felt like I couldn’t breathe-” he huffs a frustrated breath, pulling farther away- “Sorry.”

Magnus chooses to ignore the apology for now, but he definitely doesn’t miss the implication that Alec waited to text him as a last possible resort. They’ll come back to that later.

“What happened?” he asks. 

Alec’s blush grows.

“Nothing,” he deflects, still not meeting Magnus’s gaze. “My- Maryse called, but she- it. It wasn’t even anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Magnus can see how uncomfortable Alec is – both emotionally and physically. Alec stretches out his legs slightly from their previous cramped position and Magnus doesn’t miss the slight wince it causes.

The silence stretches out and Magnus debates with himself about what to do. He knows there’s no sense in pushing Alec in this state, but he’s not sure how to else to help.

“Why the tub?” he asks eventually, honestly curious.

Alec huffs out a self-deprecating laugh. 

“I don’t know, it’s just what I always used to do when I was a kid,” he says, rubbing idly at the back of his neck. “Something about the uh, the cold tile maybe? It’s uh, you know. Soothing, I guess.”

Magnus hums in agreement. He traces the edge of the tub with a finger.

“Any interest in using it for its actual purpose?” he suggests.

Alec offers a small smile that Magnus doesn’t hesitate to return.

“You don’t need to go back to work?” he asks. Magnus can still hear the embarrassment clinging to the edges of his words. 

Magnus shakes his head.

“I was just leaving when I got your message,” he says, settling for a half-truth both for his own sake as much as for Alec’s. He nudges Alec’s shoulder gently. “Come on, budge up.”

Alec laughs again, a little lighter this time, and dutifully sits up and scoots forward a bit, making room for Magnus to slot in behind him in the oversized tub. Once Magnus is settled, Alec lets leans back against his chest with a soft sigh. Magnus lets his eyes drift closed as he wraps his arms around Alec’s middle. 

“As nice as this is,” Alec says after a few minutes pass, voice soft, “I still don’t think we’re quite doing it right.”

“Hm,” Magnus agrees softly. “Water?”

“And clothes,” Alec supplies.

Magnus opens his eyes as he pulls the magic up from his core and out towards his fingertips, snapping them lazily as he removes their clothing and fills the tub with sweet-smelling water just shy of scalding. Alec hisses as the water hits his cool skin, but then he sinks back into Magnus as if boneless.

Magnus’s own body takes interest in the way Alec presses back against him, but Magnus wills himself to relax and just enjoy the closeness for now.

“Magnus,” Alec says after a moment, threading his fingers through one of the hands Magnus has wrapped around his stomach. “I-”

He pauses, but Magnus waits him out. Words – especially the right words – take time for Alec sometimes, and Magnus isn’t in a hurry.

“I love you,” Alec breathes out eventually. Magnus doesn’t think it’s what he intended to say, but he can still hear the truth in the words. 

“Sorry I- uh. Sorry I’m such a mess,” he continues before Magnus can respond. Magnus squeezes his hand.

“Aren’t we all?” he says lightly, pressing a soft kiss to Alec’s shoulder. Alec huffs another laugh.

“Aren’t you going to say you love me too?” he asks, playful but with a hint of shyness that Magnus doesn’t miss.

In any other circumstance, Magnus thinks he might have teased him a bit, drawn the banter out. But he can still feel the tension in the air around them, hiding in their unspoken words and in the edges of the tub. It’s not a day for teasing.

“I love you, Alexander,” he says easily, pulling him just the tiniest bit closer. “You’re not any of the things she said.”

“I told you,” Alec protests, body tensing slightly. “She didn’t even say anything.”

“But you hear her all the same,” Magnus says gently. He knows he’s walking a fine line, and he doesn’t want to overstep and make it worse. He presses several more kisses into Alec’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, I do,” Alec says, so lowly that Magnus thinks he wouldn’t hear him if they were any further apart. “I hear all of them.”

He says it guiltily, like a confession, and Magnus squeezes his hand again in reassurance. 

“Do you remember yesterday morning?” Magnus murmurs, voice lilting in question. Alec’s body shifts against him and Magnus knows he’s remembering too – they’d woken up early, before the sunrise even, and they’d had slow, sleepy sex for almost an hour as the sunlight gradually spilled across the sheets. 

“Do you remember what I said to you?” Magnus presses.

“You said a lot of things,” Alec mutters, clearly still embarrassed but not in the same way as before. Magnus traces a hand idly along Alec’s chest, the other still entwined with his.

“Like?” he prompts, not able to stop his slow smile from seeping into the word. 

“Like that you loved me,” Alec says eventually, begrudgingly playing along. “And that I was, uh. Beautiful.”

Magnus doesn’t respond, instead letting the words settle around them. After a moment Alec shifts again, uncomfortable. 

“Why?” he asks.

“Just wanted to make sure you heard me, that’s all,” Magnus tells him, voice light enough to almost be flippant, except for the hint of emotion tucked away underneath. “You know, last week when I caught you at the institute in the middle of training, I thought I overheard Isabelle say you were the ‘best big brother’?”

Alec huffs.

“Because I said I would cover for her,” he retorts. 

“Oh, I see,” Magnus says, pretending follow Alec's underlying rebuttal. “So she thinks you’re a terrible brother, generally?”

“Okay, I get it,” Alec grumbles. “You can stop.”

Magnus presses another lingering kiss to the base of Alec’s neck, smiling against his skin.

“Stop what?” he asks playfully, chasing with his tongue the redness still inching up Alec’s neck. “This?”

Alec turns around so quickly his kiss catches Magnus by surprise. But it only takes a moment before he relaxes into the warm familiarity of it. He deepens the kiss easily and they both lose themselves to the feeling for a few moments.

“We should get out of the tub,” Alec suggests eventually, pulling back just enough to get the words out between them. “Water’s getting cold.”

Magnus lets himself be pulled up, standing to shiver a bit in the calf-high water as it begins to drain. Alec glances around for something to dry off, but Magnus beats him to it, his magic too impatient, wrapping them both in thick oversized towels. Alec uses his to dry quickly before slinging it around his waist, but Magnus throws his to the floor once dry, walking naked into the bedroom in search of some clothes.

“I know you’re doing that on purpose,” Alec calls out after him and Magnus grins as he steps into the closet to pick out a new ensemble. 

When he emerges several minutes later, Alec is still in his towel, sprawled back on the bed sideways, as if he had sat on the edge and then just let himself fall backward.

“Feeling any better, darling?” Magnus asks. Alec seems to startle slightly, blinking his eyes open and taking a few seconds to settle on Magnus.

“Yes,” he says. He moves to sit up, and fidgets slightly with his hands in his lap. “I just- I _am_ sorry, Magnus. You shouldn’t have had to run home to take care of me.”

“Maybe not,” Magnus allows, “but I certainly don’t mind. I hope you didn’t mind taking care of me last month when I caught that awful pox.”

“I didn’t,” Alec says immediately, standing and moving back into Magnus’s space. “But that was different.”

Magnus hums noncommittally. 

“Dinner?” he asks.

“I’ll make pasta,” Alec says, leaning in for a quick kiss before practically racing towards the kitchen, still in his towel. Magnus lets him go. He’s pretty sure they’ve already hit Alec’s limit for emotional introspection for the day. And then some.

To be fair, a panic attack isn’t the same as a magical pox, he muses, sitting down in front of the vanity to reapply a bit of his makeup where it’s come away in the steam of the bathroom. But caring for someone you love? Wanting to protect them when you can, or support them when you can’t? Even just wanting to make them smile again? 

Magnus traces the line under his eyelid and then blinks at himself in the mirror, testing the evenness. Maybe it’s silly to be reapplying makeup when he has nowhere to go for the rest of the evening. After all, Alec has already seen him at his worst, both physically and emotionally. But he’s still here in Magnus’s life, in his home, cooking pasta in his kitchen. Magnus knows how embarrassed and vulnerable Alec feels right now, because their roles have been reversed before. That's what relationships are, really.

Even so, he thinks maybe as little as a month ago that text would have gone to Izzy or Jace instead, Alec not wanting to be a burden on Magnus. But their relationship is stronger now. It feels a little more solid with each day that passes. 

Magnus smiles as he catches the soft sound of Alec singing in the kitchen as he cooks. He doesn’t feel burdened.

**Author's Note:**

> i've written this type of scene from alec's perspective several times but never from magnus's and i'm not even gonna try to pretend writing this wasn't wildly therapeutic for me lol. anyway.. come prompt me for the next one on [tumblr](https://ithilien-writes.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
